"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever." Noah writes this in a letter to Allie in the movie The Notebook. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1O3KOD9fiU This quote gets me every time I read it, say it, or hear it. Not many things turn my eyes into faucets, but I cannot control my tears when I watch The Notebook. Depending on the day, there are times when just the birds flying over the lake in the first scene of the movie turn me into a sobbing mess. I am a very romantic person, but I don't think that is the whole reason why I cry during The Notebook.
In the movie, Allie develops severe dementia in her elder years. In June 2002, my grandpa died from Alzheimer's disease. Watching him struggle for so many years caused sadness and frustration among all my family members. My grandpa had taught me how to dive. He had given my brothers and I nicknames. He loved my grandma more than anything in this world. In the early stages of the disease, I remember him saying, "I still know that," after reciting me and my brothers names correctly. He laughed, we all laughed, but deep down we knew no one was laughing. We all knew it was only a matter of time until he wouldn't know our names, or remember that day. As the disease progressed, my grandpa forgot everyone's names and who they were. He would sit on the couch beside my grandma and propose to her over and over again. I remember looking at my aunt and my mom and nervously smiling at them. I wasn't happy and I didn't want to smile. It's just something I do when I'm nervous or scared about something; it's something that I really don't like about myself, but I can't control it. Inside I was crying and I couldn't get the tears to come out. All that I could show was that damn nervous smile that I didn't know how to hide. I only once went to visit my grandpa at the nursing home. I hadn't seen him in a few months, and the man I was looking at I still can't believe was him. A man who was once so strong and smart, was now so weak. I remember he began shouting at the nursing staff when we were there. My grandpa was never a violent person, and hearing him yelling scared me. I don't remember any other emotion I had at that moment except for feeling scared and feeling like I just wanted to get out of the nursing home. I have never been to a nursing home since then. Organizations I am in have gone to sing Christmas carols and bring the elders cookies, but I cannot bring myself to go. I am not a fearful person, but nursing homes are one of the few phobias I have. The experience seeing my grandpa in the nursing home was so powerful and scarring, and I don't want to see anyone else's grandparents going through that.
I remember the day my grandpa died. My brothers and I were in the living room at my grandparents house. My grandma, my mom, and all of her brothers and sisters were at the hospital. I remember when they walked in the door. They looked at my brothers and I and said simply, "Grampy died." I remember looking at my brothers and trying to hide that nervous smile. Inside I was crying and couldn't believe he was gone. Everyone was crying on the outside, so I tried to make myself cry. I don't remember if I did.
Talking about my grandpa now and his struggle with Alzheimer's, I cry every time. As I am typing this my eyes are welling up with tears. I don't know if my emotions are catching up with me, or if I have just matured emotionally. I regret not showing my tears on the day that he died. It was the one time in my life when I didn't understand my emotions. http://www.trans4mind.com/heart/emotions.html This link leads to a great website about all different emotions, what they are, and how to deal with them. There is a section on grief. The last sentence in the section says how there are many emotions involved in the grief process. I had always thought that I had been suppressing my sadness about my grandpa's death. It is relieving to know that so many emotions make up this process, and how I felt was just my own personal way of dealing with the situation.